People don’t always say “I love you”. Sometimes it is said more like, “did you eat?”, “call me when you get home.”, or “be safe”. Sometimes people snap back, shout, huff, refuse to work as a team. Or more serious problems come up with trust betrayed or major relationship challenges.
Relationships aren’t perfect and sometimes they aren’t completely broken. It’s important to find time for yourself to think straight and use relaxing therapies and techniques to give yourself a chance. Find time together to address the root cause of the angst and problems and give your relationship a chance.
No-one wants to be seen as “the baddy”. Most often, both of you know something isn’t right and probably don’t know each others’ true feelings. But no-one wants to be “the baddy” – the one who let the other down or the one who called time on the relationship. Sometimes people hit self-destruct and act in a way, maybe subconsciously, to push the other away and drive a wedge, until they escape rather than implode.
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner or spouse; if you are sure the love is gone; if you have tried counselling and tried working through the problems you have overcome the hardest part – the actual break.
That’s not to say, the next weeks, months and possibly years, aren’t going to be difficult too.
Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not – a breakup can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions. Sadness and anger are mixed with disappointment, grief and above all else, stress. You can flip from resentment to relief and back to resentment. Confusion is tiring.
It’s not just the end of a partnership, but it can also feel like the life you thought you would lead in the future, is completely over. Of course, this isn’t true. Many of your dreams and plans can still be experienced but in the middle of the breakup, you aren’t thinking straight.
No Quick Fixes
That is the key thing. You can’t fix things overnight, but you can help yourself manage everything more calmly. Your brain is on overdrive and you need to find a way to think more clearly. Everything is out of sorts: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity.
It’s ok. In many ways, you’re not yourself, so you might as well go with the flow and try new things, that are just for you. Be that pilates, a head massage, a hot batch, or reflexology – nothing too taxing – something which lets you switch off. Nurture yourself.
It’s OK To Talk
Not a good idea to offload on social media or get into revisiting every bit of angst with your ex. But chat with friends, be honest with them on how you are genuinely feeling. You will be on a rollercoaster and waver back and forth from what you think is “the right thing” to do. Chat with your ex, if it can be helpful to work through finances or logistical arrangements. If the split can be remotely amicable that’s great, although very often breakups are messy and regurgitating all the negative points will not help you move forward.
It’s ok to feel like you aren’t coping. Most people juggle each emotion, each day. Avoid making it worse by going a bit crazy with booze or binge eating. They give short term relief and actually make the craziness worse. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
Most people juggle each emotion, each day. Avoid making it worse by going a bit crazy with booze or binge eating. They give short term relief and actually make the craziness worse. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
Grieving Is Important
It’s ok to grieve. Grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.
It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself. But don’t feel like a failure and don’t lose your faith in others. A relationship ending is a big deal. It will impact how you feel about yourself and others, but don’t let it define you. Take time to work through what went wrong, without analysing too much. Spend time doing things just for you but also time with your close friends and family. You might not feel like doing very much, but find a balance to give yourself room to breathe and heal, to make sure you don’t carry anger or mistrust into the next relationship.
We are all a little broken, but broken crayons still colour.